Arms

I feel like I'm falling.....falling back into the abyss that is M.E. Over the past 10 years I have experienced gradual improvement. The physical gains come oh so slowly. Sometimes it's not until a few years have passed that I could say I was a little bit better in some way. Don't get me wrong, everyday I still live within the confines of M.E. Always trying to function within my limits. Juggling the things of most importance to me, because I have to prioritize my energy. I can't quite get my head around the fact that I could come so far, & then end up back in the sick zone so quickly.

Now after a few minutes on my laptop (always lying down by the way) my arms start to ache & burn. Like the way your legs burn after walking up a steep hill. It burns from my shoulders down to my hands. My hands tremble with weakness. They are cold & clammy most of the time. Even when I lay still on my mat on the floor, which is where I spend the hours when I'm not in bed, my arms ache & burn. I don't move a muscle, but the burn continues regardless. They feel like 1000 tonne weights attached to my body. I remember a during a trip to New Zealand, my hubby & I fed the birds some bread. I threw the bread a couple of meters towards the ducks for a few minutes. I ended up in so much pain hours later. I could barely move my arms. It caught me by surprise that the simple activity of feeding some birds would cost me so much agony for days later. Next time I would have to consider whether it would be worth the pain to feed the birds.

I long for strong arms. Arms that can hold a baby & not quiver & ache in weakness. Arms that can massage my husbands back after he's been at work all day, without cramping in pain after a couple of minutes. Arms that can do housework like cleaning my dirty windows. Arms tender yet strong like I imagine the arms of Jesus. Useful, helpful, deliberate, loving arms. Instead I need to use my arms wisely. Use them when it counts, when they are needed the most.